I learned to live

It was raining outside, around 10:30 pm or so. It's the night of my 39th birthday. 

Marta woke up, I think it was the sound of the rain on the roof, or maybe on the window, but she just wanted to sleep. 

So I went to her bed, which is essentially an adult mattress that we laid on the ground for her. She's tiny so she can fall this way without hurting herslef at night. 

So then I just laid next to her and held her with my hand, which she immediatly grasped like a teddy bear. And then I waited, listening to the sound of the rain and her breathing full of sleep. That was a perfect moment, I knew.

 I feel like, since Marta is born I learned how to live. 

You all know what I do in my life, and who knows me knows how much of myself is projected into the future. My whole life has been a extacic adrenaline rush juggling between crazy experiments, travels abroad, adventures, friends, always filling up my time with experiences as much as I could. 

Drinking from the cup of life as much as I could, until I passed out. 

And don't get me wrong, I still do that. But now, it's like I just woke up. Now, because of her I am awake. I feel like I learned to live the moment. That moment, to savor it, to really truly understand its inherent fugitive nature. Maybe what I am saying it's obvioys I don't know. Maybe everybody thinks that, or likes to say that but then they don't do it. We don't do it. Instead I feel I am truly aware now, of ho precious these seconds are. 

This is my life I thought.

Yes, it is the Nature papers, the crazy party with Stani and Elvira, the trips to Burma, the hikes on the Alps. But most of all it is these fugitive moments that Marta gave me. When she sleeps on me in the lazy sunday's afternoon. When she took her first steps on a random monday afternoon. What was my monday afternoon before? trying to go to the gym, or maybe a beer with friends? or was it the alchool free day? I don't know. But now my monday is this. It's her, her smiles, her hugs, her crying.

I have reached a profound understanding of life finally. Our fugitive useless lives, when it will be all over, this is what I will remember. What I will focus on dyring my last moments. 

Not my busy schedule, not the awards, the grants, the stress, the parties, the cars, the bus, the chores, the deadlines, the shouts, the anger, the anguish, the anxiety. 

This is what I will remember, this moment, this rain, her tiny hands, in a dark rainy night. 

This is the cup I am drinking from now. Because I am now completely aware that life is short. Diseses will happen, accidentes, life events that will shutter my life, our lives. But not today, not now. 

Now I am living, finally. 

I love you Marta. Carpe diem.